Oct 4, 2016

Shit got real, yo.

That's so true, vintage headline. So true.

In the twelve months (!) since my last post, things have really gone down hill for my flesh ship. I'd posted about how proud I was to be a healthy fat person, but that I was going to do something about it. Well, try as I might, something was not done. And with dire consequences. Okay, so not completely dire, but certainly shit house, certainly not good, certainly creating a perfect storm in my plus-sized-teacup. In the past few months I have had medical diagnosis reveal the poor state of my health, and really highlight the neglect I have done to my body. My first thought is to not share this news with the interweb, as it is a poor reflection on me (in my mind, anyway.), on how I have cared for my soul temple, of the lack of progress I have made.

This fellow was featured in yet another diet proclamation post of mine.*

So what's the DL, you ask? I have been diagnosed with hypertension AND type 2 diabetes. That's right, in 12 months I have managed to travel down the proverbial creek without a paddle- a creek diverging into Willy Wonka's chocolate river. I am now medicated, and awaiting an appointment with a diabetes educator. Also today I had an appointment with an exercise physiologist. (More about that in two shakes of a lambs tail.) My GP has discussed the long term effects of having these illnesses, and yes, the consequences are in fact dire. Oddly enough, I want to keep my eyesight, and all of my limbs. Something has to give. (Oh, and the thought of daily injections down the track sucks balls, so I'm going to work my way to not going down that road. After having daily injections for blood clots I can safely say it is not something high on my future 'to-do' list.)
Fortunately/unfortunately I cannot put my head between my legs.

Recently a friend had gastric surgery, and I have to admit, I am slightly jealous of her. If only I was placed in a situation where I was forced to limit my food intake. That would be awesome! My Mum told me about a segment she saw on TV about free lap band surgery, and my first thought was 'Sign me up!'. But it's not that simple for me. Simply reducing the size of my stomach would not change the psychological aspect to my eating. It would not change my taste buds, it would not change my attitudes.

Food is a big part of my identity. It is a big part of my very core. I love eating, dreaming, cooking and researching food. I love eating at family Christmases and big birthdays. I watch cake decorating YouTube videos while I drink diet shakes. (I'm not sure that this does not indeed double the calories of said shakes...) I love to eat. A banded stomach would take away my ability to over do it for these big events, and I wonder, with such a love of food, is this a quality of life issue? (And indeed, would I manage to eat so much as to undo the effects of the surgery?) Is my best bet to take away my ability to over do it going to solve the problem? I'm tending towards no. I think I simply (or not so simply?) have to go back to the concept that I have mentioned before- calories in versus calories out. I can restrict my calories as though I had my stomach size reduced. Or even to close to that. Or still yet, live on a restricted diet that does not even come close to a stapling or banding, but nevertheless equates to weight loss. Calories in, calories out.

The reality...
That picture right there, that's me, 10 kilos ago. In my mind, with that 10 kilos gone, I still look the same. I cannot see any change- yet. I am sure it is coming. I have found myself looking at weight loss success stories on Instagram and Facebook to fuel my motivation. That will be me, in mere months, the after shot. Yes, it's hard now, but it's going to get easier. Slowly I will adjust to the changes I am making for my body within my mind also, and it won't always be so hard.

The handsomest pupper in Melbournetown.

A couple of months ago this handsome fellow came into our lives after the sad passing of ancient Tess. We weren't looking for a new puppy just at that time, but how could we say no to such a beautiful face? And Karl (he was originally named after a Pokemon character, that, oddly enough, did not stay when he moved in with us.) has been a god-send. I get out of the house because of Karl. Twice a day, I move my body, and all because of him. I think that if he weren't in our lives I would not be walking at all, because I am indeed a lazy person. But look at that face! How could you say no to that face if he wanted to go for a walk?! (It is simply not possible, I have tried, resistance is futile.)

I like to think that the stick figure on the left is bending his back in an inhuman way to start his laser fire.

So today was my first appointment with an exercise physiologist. I was really reserved about the whole thing, as I am wary of people who like to exercise. I actually had a great appointment! He was really encouraging about the positive changes I have made and successes I have had to date. He told me all about how exercise causes our muscles to burn that stray sugar, and opens up the valves or arteries or whatever. (I was listening, but there was a lot to take in, some of it has slipped out already, so if you know the correct idea, please let me know.) He gave me a stretchy band for resistance training, and some helpful stick figures to remember techniques. He didn't make me feel like a fatty (probably my biggest concern), and he acknowledged that not everyone has the exercise bug. But he did give me some good reasons to move my body, so I'm going to listen.

So I'm not yet brave enough to say how much I weighed in at before I got back on track. But here's a hint, when my kilos fall back into the 'under 100' phase, I will tell you my starting weight. But not before. Oh the shame. I managed this time around to get to the heaviest I have ever been. I do not plan on going back there.

I've set up an incentive, too. Not only will we be rewarded with a happy, sleepy puppy, and a new figure, but also I will be rewarded financially. I have a savings account entitled 'Vintage Weight Loss Rewards', which, as the name alludes to, is for vintage style clothing. I'm saving $10 per kilo lost to go toward a new wardrobe. I have always loved vintage styling, but my clothing purchases have simply been the cheapest options (thank you Kmart) of clothing that fit. In the past I would make my clothing purchases telling myself, 'This is just until you lose weight, so it doesn't matter what you wear, really'. And I got so wrapped up in hating my body that I didn't give a flying fuck (French totally manditory descriptor.) whether I looked good or not. I simply needed to be clothed. Sure, I picked out some lovely plus sized tops, but I wasn't about defining my style, I was about hiding my bumps. I have really assessed my attitudes to fashion and clothing, and discovered that they were not terms that were synonymous with my identity. But they totally should be! Back when I blogged every day in May 2014 Sunday (Sally Harris) of LoveHappyDaily (which no longer exists, So sad!) did a guest post on my blog about refining her style. I was super inspired! I set up my own Pinterest board, and have since been pinning fashions that emulate the vibe I'm going for, future, fitter me is going for. I've also pinned a bunch of sewing projects I want to get on to. So every dollar I save is going toward vintage style dresses and accessories, fabric and sewing patterns. I'm going to embrace my body and express my style! And I have quite a few kilos to lose, so that equates to more dosh in the fabulous kitty.

A snapshot of my Style Inspiration board. Do you think I am having a love affair with stripes**? <3

I'm not aiming for a number. I'm aiming for healthy. My gynaecologist, endocrinologist and cardiologist (basically all of the 'ists' out there) have all said that losing a little bit of weight, just a tiny bit, will lead to great outcomes for health. So being 10 kilos down I think is a great start! I have lost the little bit, but I am still having to take medication. I can do better than that! Maybe one day I will be medication free? Maybe I won't, too. Who knows what the future holds? But I know that I am pretty firmly cemented on this journey now. I haven't given up chocolate (I suppose I will find out if I have to when I see the diabetes educator) but I have said a firm 'goodbye' to eating because of self loathing. I am now self loving. I'm doing this for me. I'm doing this for better outcomes. I'm on the path, and I'm proud of what I have achieved so far, and excited to see what I can achieve in the future!

I've got this.

*February first, 2015. Read about my initial proclamation of diet and lifestyle changes here
**I'm a firm believer that even fatties can wear horizontal stripes. I live by the stripe! 


  1. I love you!! And I love that you are sharing your journey and I think your a powerful woman who has the power to change your life and I cant wait to watch your journey. You inspire me x

    1. Aww, thank you so much, petal! I love you, too!

  2. Yes! You got this!
    Yes to self love! (says me!)
    Yes, to sharing with those that love you to the moons of other galaxies and back.
    Yes, to allowing us to motivate you, support you, encourage you and maybe even cry with you when those "French" descriptives are needed from time to time along your journey.
    Yes, it won't be easy.
    Luv ya!

    1. Thank you for being on my team!
      Love you, too!
      (Also, I should email you, which I will, right now!)

  3. Fantastic start! Always do it for yourself. That's the best way to achieve. Those clothes will definitely look great on you 😘

    1. Thank you very much, Lynne! :D